Not just a girl

FYI, the following can be intense, but I need to put this out there. Upfront, my housemate and closest friend out here, Chloe, passed away yesterday and this is our story. I won't be offended if you don't want to read this and I will try to not be too intense throughout the rest of my blogging time. However, if I need to be, I will and you can read another blog. Only sort of sorry.

I want to remember. I want to enjoy and love. I don't want to mope around looking at the floor listening to sappy music. Yes, I'm devasted. Yes, I miss her. Yes, this is hard and scary. But, God is faithful (I know it sounds cheesy or maybe trite to say that now, but too bad, I believe it; I've seen it).

Yesterday was just any other day pretty much. Betsy was leaving from a lovely weekend out here. There was some car coordinating that had to be done before we all left. Sue and Gordon went to Sunday school before the church service. Ben went to church later. Chloe was getting ready for a bike ride with a friend. As is a normal occurrence, I sat and chatted with her over tea in her room while we both sat on her uncomfortable chairs (oh, to being volunteers) about the last night, the excitement of the day, and dreams she had last night (that one we never got around to). Jared was up too, but he and Chloe ended up not going to church. We had 2 ex- MVSers from California here and they were getting ready for their day of sightseeing. That was the last time we would all be together, in this world anyway.

Chloe called me while I was at the coffeeshop with Betsy. I ignored it because I follow some etiquette. The message she left was choppy and I have really no idea what she said as her cell service at home was spotty. I decided I would call her later. Thank the Lord I did and we chatted for a minutes about the plan for the day. I was a little distracted as I was getting things together in the car, but I do remember the conversation. She was able to use a different car so was already on her way. We both wanted to tell the other one so many things, so we decided we would wait till the evening to spend time catching up. I started driving home. We passed each other on the highway and waved. That was the last time I saw her.

I came home and chatted with my mom for a while. A big topic of conversation over the weekend with Betsy was: how do you want to live your life and what will you be remembered by? My mom and I talked about this too and all these conversations were quite interesting. I know Anthony has a lot do with this for me. Hearing about him and remembering him and his life, it really makes you think. This had a lot to do with why I am here. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who spent a lot of time living for herself, hoarding her money, going out whenever she could. I want to leave an impact, I want to make a difference, I want to contribute to the world around me. I want to serve God as He has given me so much life and so much to live for. I want to enjoy Him and this life.

I started hardboiled eggs and chatted with Ben for a bit. Now I'm remembering those eggs are probably still in the pot. I made plans with Sue to have our little Sunday study time together at 5, it was about 2. Went back into my room to work on a blog post. There was a phone call and Jared answered it. He got Ben and me out of our rooms and said to the caller "Ok, we are all here". He listened, we waited not knowing what was going on. I saw his face, I sat down and thought and prayed. Things were going through my mind- Gordon and Sue, oh goodness Chloe is on that bike ride and I forgot to remind her about a helmet. Oh shit. Jared gets off the phone and goes and puts it down. I think I say "We're dying here..." or something equally inappropriate. He was collecting his thoughts and just had to blurt it out: "Chloe was on a bike ride and got hit by a car; she's dead".

I immediately said I had to leave. I went into my room and got my phone. No service, of course. Go outside, call my parents. No answer, of course. I try a few times and finally my dad answers. That's the first time I cry. Through the tears, I tell him. In classic Dad fashion: "WHAT???!!!", he gets mom. I try to ask Dad to tell her, but I'm not clear and have to say it again. In classic Mom fashion: "OH honey, I'm so sorry... I wish I was there". I love my parents. I have to walk as I talk as I start shaking and try to keep breathing. I know I need to go back inside and be with my little family out here. We are all we've got now.

Ben is still standing at the kitchen table, staring at it, I don't think he has moved. I hear Jared in the green house. I sit at the table, Jared comes in. We just sit there, not knowing what to do. The phone rings. What now? It's Gordon, do we want to come over? Well, I think somebody is on their way. He says something I can't even comprehend- I know I hear his words, I just can't put a meaning to them. Ok, we'll be over.

We grab just jackets. We walk in silence pretty much. We don't know what we are doing. We don't know what is going on. We are walking down the hall to Sue and Gordon's apartment. I say "I know I'm going to loose it when I see Sue". We walk in. Sure enough, Sue and I hug and cry for a long time. I am so sad. We sit. We drink tea. We blow our noses. Our friends from Alamosa come over. We are dealing with logistical things. Phones are ringing, voices are solemn. We pray, the only time when phone ringing is acceptable during prayer.

Then, we headed up to Alamosa to be with the La Puente volunteers (her coworkers and friends). This was hard for me. I felt like I was supposed to act a certain way. I felt like all eyes were on me. I'm sure they weren't. I hug Craig, the guy she was biking with. How awful. I can't imagine. I want to see Cari, her closest friend at La Puente. It is sweet when she finally comes back from her walk. We are grieving in a similar way- by wanting to celebrate this wonderful person! We spend a few hours with everyone. It isn't fun, just isn't. People are dealing with it differently, no one knowing what to do exactly. It was amazing to see the community out here. The community of faith, of volunteers, of people who care. I fall in love with the valley and I'm so thankful for everyone.

The next few weeks are going to be rough and different. The next few years are going to be trying and challenging. There will be good. God is faithful beyond our comprehension. A couple of weeks ago I said, in response to "Never Forget", my motto was "Move On". Now I have changed that to "Move Forward", we will take Chloe with us on our journey here and always remember her life and love. God has blessed us with a wonderful member of our house and has blessed me with an amazing little sister. My heart is heavy, my laughter is light, and my God is near.