You're different from the former

Honestly, I'm pretty speechless, I've never seen anything like what I saw on Tuesday (something so terrible be quite beautiful), but I'll do my best to put into words how I feel and what happened...

Mennonites and other people talk a lot about peace and justice (or, more appropriately, restorative justice) and you hear about it from time to time in the news, but it is something totally different to see people living it out in difficult circumstances.

Well, this restorative justice was on display at the Alamosa courthouse today by Chloe Weaver's family.  It was the sentencing hearing for the 16 year old boy that hit Chloe while she was biking and then drove off because he's a 16 year old boy and scared.  Chloe's mom, dad, and sister all said a few things at the beginning.  I wish I had these written down so you could experience the power of the combination of forgiveness and justice.  Some things I remember are Hope talking about how Chloe's spirit will always be with him and support him, Herm (Chloe's dad) saying that Chloe would want him to help others and improve the world.  The District Attorney spoke about a meeting with Herm, Hope, the kid and his mom.  He said, "You would not believe the.... the only word for it is love.... in that room.  It was one of the most incredible things I have seen in 20 years of being in the DA."

As for the actual sentencing (I hope I get this right), the Weaver's didn't really want him to serve time in detention because they want him to do more with his time than just sit there.  They wanted him to do more public service and contribute.  That's what Chloe would have wanted.  However, the judge said he couldn't let someone who killed someone not serve time, so he will be serving 45 days with community service for 2 years.  I spoke with Cindy, Chloe's mom, afterward and she said that they were asked about what they wanted for a sentencing and they said something to the effect of "We don't know who he is, what does he need?"  And that is the question that should be asked of everyone- what do you need to learn in order to be a productive member of society?  After living with my cousin who is a cop this last summer, I just realized how much this system isn't working.  I'm sorry, but it's broken.  I'm not sure what to do about it, but it needs to fundamentally change.

Through all this, I thank God.  I'm thankful for the strength and mercy of the Weaver family.  I'm thankful for the example and inspiration and encouragement they were to everyone in that room and will be to all they meet through this.  I'm thankful for the gift of eternal life, that Chloe's life is not over, she is still affecting people, God is still using her- you can feel it.  God works in mysterious ways, let's thank Him for that.

As the worst part about death is the people it leaves behind, I'm thankful Chloe is still with us in one way or another....

So please stop explaining

Just discovered this unpublished post from right after Chloe's death, dated 10/26. It's been 3 months and it's interesting to look back on and see how things progress...

I don't really ask Why? through all this. I don't know why I don't, maybe I don't want to know. This doesn't mean I don't care, I do. This doesn't mean I don't question God, I do. However, I see God use people even after they are not physically present. This gives me peace that their life is not over, it's just much different.

Can I be selfish for a minute? I wonder what God's plan is for taking my closest friend out here from me. The person I hang out with most, talk to the most, enjoy the most, is now gone and not in a good way. But, I don't believe it's without purpose. Maybe He was saving her from pain in this world and taking her to a 'better place' and that her life will still affect those who knew her and continue the work she started.

It is interesting what people will focus on. Some will be angry- with the world, with God, with people who have not lost someone. Some will be guilty- it should have been me, I should have done X. Some will want answers- why do bad things happen to good people? why did this happen to Chloe and not a mean horrible person? Some will focus only on the positive and deny themselves sadness- she loved, she lived. This is where I fall and sometimes I think I'm not thinking about it enough or in the right way. I think I'm ok with the not so easy answers, I've been dealing with them for quite a while now. On the other hand, I get nervous about letting myself be sad and miss her too much, this where I deny myself and try not to be sad.

One thing I have been annoyed by, but I know they mean well, is when people around town ask "How are you?". They are definitely expecting you to say "Oh, gosh, I'm devastated and can't go on" then seem disappointed when you say "Oh alright, considering". Well, since I don't really know you I'm not going to go into too much and I'm not going to cry to every random person who hugs me and asks me such questions. While I am devastated, I have to move forward. Once again, I can't sit around, looking at the floor, listening to sappy music.

UPDATE: In regards to bottling up and not letting myself get emotional, that wasn't always the case. When I saw "Chloe's" open casket, I cried... hard... in front of people. This was good for me, I hate crying in front of people. There were a few weeks of just being randomly emotional in December. I mean there was a lot of other crap going on, I missed Seattle, I missed people who knew me.

I do still miss Chloe, but it's different. I recognize I didn't know her that long, she wasn't an integrated part of my life. She was great and I loved having her in the house and getting to know her. It saddens me that she didn't get to do more (well, hands-on work) and that she didn't get some experiences that I feel are important. I'm not a super sentimental person, but I love my friends. I don't say it often, I don't say enough, and I definitely don't say it to too many people. I love my family and don't see them enough. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I get weird.

So far, the climb

I've never been a part of a memorial service. I hope it's a long time until I have to do another one. It was a nice celebration of life. I put together a slideshow of pictures from her time out here. The music selection stressed me out, I had so many to choose from and people had their ideas. I had to make the 'exec dec' and pick one the one that I was most at peace with. This was "I'll Cover You (Reprise)" from 'Rent'. We sang 'Rent' many times and as a 'Rent' fan I would be honor if she played this for me. Although, I did have to use the movie version because that is the one she knew, so it was a little different for me.

I also had the privilege to say a few words about my time with Chloe. Here were my thoughts:

I believe everyone is put into your life for a reason- sometimes it's to help them, sometimes to help you. Well, usually I think I'm helping them and then I'll, humbly, realize it's just the opposite. Every once in a while it goes both ways.

Chloe is the closest I've come to a little sister. She was so interested in life and the bigger picture. My favorite memories of our time together are sitting in her room on our “wonderful” MVS chairs, drinking tea, and just talking about anything and everything. I would have my Seattle mug and she would have her Colorado mug. We were in different places in life and both appreciated that about each other. She reminds me of how to be young and carefree; I hope I didn't do the opposite to inspire her to be old and boring. She was full of questions about life outside of her own, which I had the privilege to encourage and attempt to answer when possible.

I have been so excited to see where life takes her and I have just known that she is going to impact many, many people through her years. I'm humbled to be a part of it and thank God for the rare opportunity to know a spirit like Chloe's, even for such a short time. It's amazing to think that her life is a part of this group and God is working through her here today, tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives. His work through her is not done- I see it in everyone here.

One of my favorite stories of hers is how every time she sees her Grandma, she tells Chloe “Remember, this is the best time of your life”. She lived that.

EDIT:

Before the service, we had the opportunity to dedicate a tree to her in front of our new house in Alamosa. This was such a beautiful thing, as she was the "caretaker of all living things" of the house- including her housemates! It will be such a blessing to see the tree blossom and be reminded of Chloe, her spirit and life.

Please don't be sad for me

"The world is my community" Chloe, 2nd grade. Amazing.

Today was Chloe's memorial service. This is never easy, but can be joyous as we a celebrate a wonderful life. There was laughing and crying, singing and clapping, stories and readings. She will be missed around the world.

Last night I saw Chloe. I've never been to an open casket showing, but I'm glad I did. I got to say the good-bye our last phone conversation didn't fulfill. It surprised me how much I broke down when I saw her, man I cried. It was good. Trust me, I've cried a bit and teared up enough, but last night was a hard to breath cry. Again, good and needed.

I spent time with her sister and some of her close friends from high school and college. I'm thankful for this, for their love. I'm thankful that they let us borrow her for a few months. It takes less than a few months to see Chloe's beauty and love.

There were special musical moments for me: The Weaver Boys and 606. Chloe's dad has 6 brothers (no sisters) and they had a band for a while called The Weaver Boys. She had a tape that we never got around to listening to, but I had the honor of hearing them play a few songs. "Don't need this house no more" was perfect. If you've never heard Mennonites sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessing Flow", you've never heard it that song the way it was meant to be. They call it "606" because that's the number in the hymnal. It's got a few different parts and just wonderful.

Cari, Chloe's friend from her work in Alamosa, read a poem. It was just beautiful. I could definitely hear Chloe speaking to all of us through it.

All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

Sunday is our memorial service here in Alamosa. This is a testament to our work done here over the years- that so many people care after just a few months. We are going to plant a tree for her at our new house. Next week is going to be hard. We are going to start our new normal.

I know just what you're saying

Please note, there are photos of Chloe at the end of this post.

Friends are amazing gifts. I have always known this truth. I'm experiencing it pretty much every minute these days. From friends here and around the country. My house mates and I are really sticking together, for which I am grateful.

I want to write to connect to my home support group, but it also seems it's connecting the greater MVS community to our house. This is an unique opportunity here as I know I would like to be connected to another house going through the same thing. I don't want to be silent.

We miss Chloe. We love Chloe. She is still a part of our house. We are still a unit of 6.

However, I want to be respectful. I don't want to represent the house. It's a bit of pressure. Please be respectful too.

Grief is so personal, but it can be healthy to share it. It's my fear that I'm going to hinder someone else's grieving process. This is never my intention, please let me know if this is the case. Unfortunately, I'm bringing some of what I learned through losing a friend last December- as different as this is, I have been dealing with my thoughts of life and death already.

Please pray. Even if you don't feel it, God is there and listening. His promise is not dependent upon my belief, but upon His Word only. Please pray for Chloe's family. Her friends around the country and world. The greater Mennonite and MVS community. Her friends in Alamosa. Her MVS family here.

As friends are so important, it's important for me to remember my friends. Here are some of my favorite photos of my dear friend, Chloe Weaver....

The closest to a group photo we have

We both have a love of maps

This is probably my favorite of us

Not just a girl

FYI, the following can be intense, but I need to put this out there. Upfront, my housemate and closest friend out here, Chloe, passed away yesterday and this is our story. I won't be offended if you don't want to read this and I will try to not be too intense throughout the rest of my blogging time. However, if I need to be, I will and you can read another blog. Only sort of sorry.

I want to remember. I want to enjoy and love. I don't want to mope around looking at the floor listening to sappy music. Yes, I'm devasted. Yes, I miss her. Yes, this is hard and scary. But, God is faithful (I know it sounds cheesy or maybe trite to say that now, but too bad, I believe it; I've seen it).

Yesterday was just any other day pretty much. Betsy was leaving from a lovely weekend out here. There was some car coordinating that had to be done before we all left. Sue and Gordon went to Sunday school before the church service. Ben went to church later. Chloe was getting ready for a bike ride with a friend. As is a normal occurrence, I sat and chatted with her over tea in her room while we both sat on her uncomfortable chairs (oh, to being volunteers) about the last night, the excitement of the day, and dreams she had last night (that one we never got around to). Jared was up too, but he and Chloe ended up not going to church. We had 2 ex- MVSers from California here and they were getting ready for their day of sightseeing. That was the last time we would all be together, in this world anyway.

Chloe called me while I was at the coffeeshop with Betsy. I ignored it because I follow some etiquette. The message she left was choppy and I have really no idea what she said as her cell service at home was spotty. I decided I would call her later. Thank the Lord I did and we chatted for a minutes about the plan for the day. I was a little distracted as I was getting things together in the car, but I do remember the conversation. She was able to use a different car so was already on her way. We both wanted to tell the other one so many things, so we decided we would wait till the evening to spend time catching up. I started driving home. We passed each other on the highway and waved. That was the last time I saw her.

I came home and chatted with my mom for a while. A big topic of conversation over the weekend with Betsy was: how do you want to live your life and what will you be remembered by? My mom and I talked about this too and all these conversations were quite interesting. I know Anthony has a lot do with this for me. Hearing about him and remembering him and his life, it really makes you think. This had a lot to do with why I am here. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who spent a lot of time living for herself, hoarding her money, going out whenever she could. I want to leave an impact, I want to make a difference, I want to contribute to the world around me. I want to serve God as He has given me so much life and so much to live for. I want to enjoy Him and this life.

I started hardboiled eggs and chatted with Ben for a bit. Now I'm remembering those eggs are probably still in the pot. I made plans with Sue to have our little Sunday study time together at 5, it was about 2. Went back into my room to work on a blog post. There was a phone call and Jared answered it. He got Ben and me out of our rooms and said to the caller "Ok, we are all here". He listened, we waited not knowing what was going on. I saw his face, I sat down and thought and prayed. Things were going through my mind- Gordon and Sue, oh goodness Chloe is on that bike ride and I forgot to remind her about a helmet. Oh shit. Jared gets off the phone and goes and puts it down. I think I say "We're dying here..." or something equally inappropriate. He was collecting his thoughts and just had to blurt it out: "Chloe was on a bike ride and got hit by a car; she's dead".

I immediately said I had to leave. I went into my room and got my phone. No service, of course. Go outside, call my parents. No answer, of course. I try a few times and finally my dad answers. That's the first time I cry. Through the tears, I tell him. In classic Dad fashion: "WHAT???!!!", he gets mom. I try to ask Dad to tell her, but I'm not clear and have to say it again. In classic Mom fashion: "OH honey, I'm so sorry... I wish I was there". I love my parents. I have to walk as I talk as I start shaking and try to keep breathing. I know I need to go back inside and be with my little family out here. We are all we've got now.

Ben is still standing at the kitchen table, staring at it, I don't think he has moved. I hear Jared in the green house. I sit at the table, Jared comes in. We just sit there, not knowing what to do. The phone rings. What now? It's Gordon, do we want to come over? Well, I think somebody is on their way. He says something I can't even comprehend- I know I hear his words, I just can't put a meaning to them. Ok, we'll be over.

We grab just jackets. We walk in silence pretty much. We don't know what we are doing. We don't know what is going on. We are walking down the hall to Sue and Gordon's apartment. I say "I know I'm going to loose it when I see Sue". We walk in. Sure enough, Sue and I hug and cry for a long time. I am so sad. We sit. We drink tea. We blow our noses. Our friends from Alamosa come over. We are dealing with logistical things. Phones are ringing, voices are solemn. We pray, the only time when phone ringing is acceptable during prayer.

Then, we headed up to Alamosa to be with the La Puente volunteers (her coworkers and friends). This was hard for me. I felt like I was supposed to act a certain way. I felt like all eyes were on me. I'm sure they weren't. I hug Craig, the guy she was biking with. How awful. I can't imagine. I want to see Cari, her closest friend at La Puente. It is sweet when she finally comes back from her walk. We are grieving in a similar way- by wanting to celebrate this wonderful person! We spend a few hours with everyone. It isn't fun, just isn't. People are dealing with it differently, no one knowing what to do exactly. It was amazing to see the community out here. The community of faith, of volunteers, of people who care. I fall in love with the valley and I'm so thankful for everyone.

The next few weeks are going to be rough and different. The next few years are going to be trying and challenging. There will be good. God is faithful beyond our comprehension. A couple of weeks ago I said, in response to "Never Forget", my motto was "Move On". Now I have changed that to "Move Forward", we will take Chloe with us on our journey here and always remember her life and love. God has blessed us with a wonderful member of our house and has blessed me with an amazing little sister. My heart is heavy, my laughter is light, and my God is near.