Crumbling continuity

I am going to be a bridesmaid for the 5th time this year- well, technically 4th and 5th time as I will be in 2.  Isn't there some sort of saying about girls like me...
I think it's more of a blessing than a curse, because I think this happens for a reason.  Not as in "all things happen for a reason", but as in there is an actual reason this happens.  It's where people put their priorities (and I don't mean that in a haughty sense, please read on).  The fact that I have had 5 friends ask me to stand with them for this important decision and life change is pretty incredible.  I have good friendships and I have put them at a priority in my life (also keep in my mind: I am an only child).  Maybe at a cost to other things in my life.  Or, maybe in order to not deal with other things.  Another thing, I take being a bridesmaid pretty seriously.  I am a part of your union and will do my best to keep it that way and do what I can to keep the union.  It's not a popularity contest, it's a matter of who is going to be there and support you.
I do want to say a few things about being 25 and single for most of my life.  While I do believe "Being alone... there's a certain dignity to it", there are times when I don't want to be alone, but I still want my dignity.  For too long, I've thought it was either you are so happy being single or you are desperate and pathetic.  Well, I'm learning there is a middle ground and I'm getting there.  I have friends in so many different places in life and really have just come to the conclusion that life can be difficult (single or attached), but life can be awesome and it really is what you make of it.  Being free and independent can be great, sharing experiences with one person can be great; being alone and frustrated can be hard, dealing with one person for the rest of your life can be hard.  The grass isn't any greener on the other side; really your own grass is just fine, but if you don't like it, work on your it and stop envying other grass (because they are probably thinking the same thing... or looking at other grass).  Wow, that analogy went far, huh?  I just don't want to be pitied or pressured.
Wanna know my least favorite question I get as a single girl?  When I tell people my ideas and plans for my life, they respond with "Well, just wait till you meet a special guy."  First of all, I never really know how to respond to that (especially because, compared to others, I really don't get that much grief about being single).  Second, I just want to ask "Who is this guy that is going to come in and ruin everything?"  I mean, don't you want someone with similar passions and ideas or at least supports yours, instead of resenting someone for "holding you back"?  I realize things change and people change (I've changed "on my own"... just look at where I'm living, anything can happen), but I hope no one sets everything they truly care about aside to be with someone who doesn't support their own passions and ideas.  And, I certainly hope no one thinks I'm that girl who will, just to not be alone.  Ultimately, I never say any of this to the person, I probably just sort of half fake laugh.
Lastly, I am grateful for the my single life I've had.  I've made some great friends, done some neat things, and taken advantage of being independent.  My abilities to be on my own, make tough decisions and navigate the world by myself are things I wouldn't trade for much.  Your life experiences make you who you are.  Enjoy it.

F@#k you, I'm a girl!

I gotta be honest, some things have been hard.  A few weeks ago I was kind of an emotional wreck.  While I've calmed down a bit, I'm taking a much needed "Mental Health Day" today.
It just feels like it's one thing after another and I'm getting a little tired of it.  Real tired.  There are many good things going on, but my mind gets cloudy with all the heavier things that I have a hard time remembering these blessings.  This isn't good.  Now I'm only thinking about that... hehe.  I would just like a few months of stability (man, I'm getting old).
I've been thinking about my anger a bit in the last few weeks.  My anger might be where this focus on the bad things comes from.  The best response I've had to "No Doubt is my favorite band" is "Wow, you must a very angry person."  I was surprised by that, but there is a bit of anger in their songs and, if you've ever had the pleasure of seeing them live (especially in the 90s) you'll see more of that.  That's sort of how I am with anger too: quite angry, but not so obvious about it.  I think one of my biggest downfalls is my expectations of other people and things.  I hold people to this high standard that is unfair and I get disappointed (read: upset) when they fall short.
Another thing is that I don't really know how to express my anger, so I just bottle it up and then become bitter.  I come from a yelling family, we just yell whatever when we're mad.  However, I don't feel comfortable with yelling at people who are not in my family, so I don't really know how to constructively be mad at people.  Usually, it is expressed as sadness- maybe disappointment- and I can just be mean to the people I care about.  I also fear people being mad at me; I try not to bring it up their faults with them so that they won't bring up my faults to me.  Yes, I'm aware that this is not healthy.  Put on the list of things I need to deal with in my life.
Really, this all stems from my perfectionism... which, honestly, plagues my life.  I need to let go.
And, I want to apologize if you've experienced my anger, bitterness, complaining, etc.  I know it's annoying and I'm trying to figure it out.

I've come closer to reaching the top

So, how many awards can one girl get??  My friend Brenna gave me a blog award!  Since it's probably for being super awesome (she didn't say, but I think I know her pretty well), I have to prove it by giving 7 random facts (well, that and it's called the "7 Facts Blog Awards").  I don't usually do these types of things, but since it's Brenna...

1.  I'm going to London for my dear friend Betsy's wedding in September!  As in, I actually have tickets, it's a done deal.

2.  While I love traveling, I hate the actual travel part.  I'm always stressed out on the way to the plane, but once I'm in a new place, I love figuring out what is going on.  In fact, here's a tip: only get a rough idea of where your hostel (or whatever) is and then you're forced to really look at the map and even ask for help!  It's how I keep my sense of direction sharp and meet some good people.

3.  I (semi) regret not changing my name to Mikki Mikaila Carline Holt when I went through all that official name drama.

4.  I don't regret one penny of what I paid for my VIP No Doubt experience and was so happy to spend it with special people.

5.  I still love punk music and miss going crazy at shows.

6.  I have 2 good friends from high school who were scared of me when we first met.

7.  I don't like watching award shows because I tear up (or, if I'm by myself, outright cry) at the speeches.  Even from people I've never heard of- sometimes harder at those because if they aren't super well known I feel like this is a bigger deal for them!  Needless to say, I won't be going to many Oscar parties in my lifetime.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little piece of me.  I'm not too sure who's out there reading this, but I'd like to give this award to 2 blogs and friends I enjoy:
Mari, The Unexpected Harvest
Lisa, Silent E

Catch up and win the race!

It's been a while since I've posted much, so I thought I'd give you a quick update on random things going on.

I'm still loving snowboarding. I've learned to love 3 things I never thought I would like: moguls, trails through trees, and powder. I've improved more in the 4 times I've gone out here than in the last 10 years. Two of my friends, Melissa and Biz, and I are a good team, we're all trying to improve and challenge ourselves. It's really neat to see such a change. I've been working out more and feel like all my squats, lounges, and running really helped my performance today- I've never had a better workout during a day of snowboarding!

A few weeks ago, I entered a fun race. This is something that I've always wanted to do. It didn't go super great, but it was ok. However, I was still the fastest of my age group! I won this little pin... because I'm that awesome! It was fun, but might be something that I've checked off my list. Well, I would like to get better at control as I felt that was my problem.















Another fun event in the past few weeks was a housewarming open house we had to invite the community into our home. It was nice to be able to show and share our house with friends, neighbors, coworkers, and supporters. Sue and I made little sugar cookies in the shape of houses (not arrows!).








When we first arrived here in the valley, we were set up with "host families" through our relationship with the Methodist church.  Well, my host family is awesome!  They are a retired couple, Teresa and Jack Rudder.  Teresa is super energetic and used to work in public health, Jack is a little more stoic and super into the civil war (yes, I know how to bite my tongue).  They have me over for dinner, take me places, etc.  They are great.  Well, a couple of weeks Teresa took me to a high tea lunch at a fort here in the valley.  It was lovely. (And, fyi, that is not Teresa in the photo)

My Progress Report

So, one lovely Saturday morning back in December, I received an unexpected letter in the mail. My wonderful boss, Della, nominated me for the statewide Nightingale Nurse Award for Excellence in Human Caring the category Advocacy. I couldn't believe it, I was so honored and a little overwhelmed by the letters of support some friends wrote for me. I had to write a litle essay about my experiences, nursing philosophy and how I put it into practice. Della had told me that they read some of what you and everyone wrote at the award ceremony- that made me really nervous. I submitted it at the end of December and had to wait until the end of February for the regional awards ceremony.

Now, trust me, I was not under the impression that I would be getting any special recognition. What happens is that 11 nurses were nominated in the valley and 6 (one in each of the different categories) can go on to the state ceremony. Well, I made it to state! Gotta be honest, I think I won on a technicality because there was all this paper work and I think maybe we were the only ones who filled it out! Whatevs, I won and they didn't! I'm just beyond honored and still can't really believe it- and this is only after 2 1/2 years of being a nurse, imagine what I'll be capable in just a few more years! (wait, what? I still have to do more?  Shoot....)  We kept the celebration going Alamosa style- at Chili's!  One highlight: having cosmos with the house coordinator, Alice!  She's great and wrote one of my letters. I will be going to an awards ceremony in Denver in May. Even my parents might come out for it!  I'm kind of a big deal...

With Della

With my housemates

The commemorative hand painted plates

So I can practice being Florence Nightingale and

 visit my patients by candlelight!

I do want to say a few things about my work these days.  It is so different and quite rewarding, really.  My biggest accomplishment has been creating a nurse home visitor program for moms and babies.  I put together the curriculum, the proposals, and made the presentations to get funding.  It was so different for me, but it was a good experience (and will continue to be as the program really gets going).  This job is pretty self-directed, which is a little hard for me, but I'm learning to figure out what I need to do.  Other things I do: communicable disease investigation (where'd they get it and how to stop the spread), immunization clinic, and community education.  I'm excited about opportunities for the next few years.

Music's the life flowing through

Man, I love music. I've been reminded of this in the last couple of days.

On Friday night, some friends had a "Well Lit Dance Party", hehe. A friend of mine is legally blind, but he can still see a little bit (he has macular degeneration) and it has always been his dream to have a dance party where he can see a little more clearly. Well, it turned it out to be sooooo much fun! Seriously, I don't think you really know till you've seen me on the dance floor- for hours! There is just something so wonderful about letting go and going crazy to fun music, it might be where I'm most happy. Le sigh...

I just remembered the first time I realized I loved dancing... well, my dancing, in public. It was junior or senior year of high school, at a Michael Jackson themed dance (one of those small ones after a football game), with Lisa Weigle. We just did our own thing to the side, not caring what people thought, we weren't thinking about what we were doing, we were set free! I do refer to my dance style as "flailing around," a style which was started that night.

Anyway, back to my musical weekend... Saturday morning, I tried something I haven't tried for a couple of months- my iPod! Remember back in September when it got wet and died? Well, I kept it and tried it every so often to see how my luck was running. Eventually I gave up, but kept it just in case. Well, I'm glad because it's baaaaack! It's not good as new (the battery doesn't hold anything) but all the music is there and easy to play! It has honestly surprised me how much this has made me happy- I don't know if that's the right word, really... maybe a bit relieved. It just shows me how much I love music and what it has been in my life.  Someone asked me once why music is so important to me.  Before I could answer, a friend said "It's because she's an only child."  At first, I was a little defensive (only children can be quite normal, thankyouverymuch!), but then I thought about it and she was right.  Music kept me sane through times when I was by myself or on trips with my parents.  I feel like this validates music's place in my life.  It's my sibling?  It has annoyed me, let me down, lifted me, and made me so happy!  All that to say, I'm very thankful to have my iPod back!
It is interesting to think about what a moment it was when it broke.  It wasn't just a thing breaking, it's what it signified.  First off, it was my main music source out here as I didn't bring any of my cds.  Second, it made me well aware of the fact that I am not making any money.  I couldn't just go out buy another one. It was a hard, but good, realization.  

Working so hard

I just finished reading a good book- "Nickel and Dimed" by Barbara Ehrenreich. She's a writer that takes an assignment to work menial jobs. It's not a perfect 'study', but it's an interesting perspective. It's an "outsider" perspective, which is how I feel out here.

I wanted to share one of the last paragraphs of the book with you, I loved it...

The welfare poor were excoriated for thier laziness, their persistence in reproducing in unfavorable circumstances, their presumed addictions, and above all their "dependency." Here they were, content to live off "government handouts" instead "self-sufficiency", like everyone else, through a job... What are we to do and feel?... Isn't guilt what we're supposed to feel? But guilt doesn't go anywhere near far enough; the appropriate emotion is shame- shame at our own dependency, in this case, on the underpaid labor of others. When someone works for less pay than she can live on- when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently- then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The "working poor," as they are approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation sot that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else. As Gail, one of my restaurant coworkers put it, "you give and you give."

Ok, I do want to offer some hope, as cynicism is a luxury for the well off. We don't live in a world where if you work hard enough you WILL be successful, but it isn't always a dog eat dog world out there either. People do care, people do change their lives, but we need each other. We can be part of the solution. I'm getting interested in wealth distribution. Ok, don't freak out... but I do think too few people make too much money. Something is wrong with that picture. Something is wrong when I have more stuff than I need and others don't have enough to eat. I will go back to Tim Keller's idea of "Justice Living": basically, we shouldn't be a burden to others in our giving, but we should feel the burden of giving. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say "be like me" or that I am living like this now, as I'm not at the point of figuring it out, but I'm excited about new ideas and hopeful about the future.

Optimism is looking outside and saying "It looks wonderful!" no matter what. Hope is looking outside and saying "It looks like crap out there, but let's enjoy it while we can". While pessimism is looking the wrong way down a one street, so try to look both ways, ok?

[yes, that's a Gwen Stefani song quote in the title, I recognize this and apologize... but it fit]