So please stop explaining

Just discovered this unpublished post from right after Chloe's death, dated 10/26. It's been 3 months and it's interesting to look back on and see how things progress...

I don't really ask Why? through all this. I don't know why I don't, maybe I don't want to know. This doesn't mean I don't care, I do. This doesn't mean I don't question God, I do. However, I see God use people even after they are not physically present. This gives me peace that their life is not over, it's just much different.

Can I be selfish for a minute? I wonder what God's plan is for taking my closest friend out here from me. The person I hang out with most, talk to the most, enjoy the most, is now gone and not in a good way. But, I don't believe it's without purpose. Maybe He was saving her from pain in this world and taking her to a 'better place' and that her life will still affect those who knew her and continue the work she started.

It is interesting what people will focus on. Some will be angry- with the world, with God, with people who have not lost someone. Some will be guilty- it should have been me, I should have done X. Some will want answers- why do bad things happen to good people? why did this happen to Chloe and not a mean horrible person? Some will focus only on the positive and deny themselves sadness- she loved, she lived. This is where I fall and sometimes I think I'm not thinking about it enough or in the right way. I think I'm ok with the not so easy answers, I've been dealing with them for quite a while now. On the other hand, I get nervous about letting myself be sad and miss her too much, this where I deny myself and try not to be sad.

One thing I have been annoyed by, but I know they mean well, is when people around town ask "How are you?". They are definitely expecting you to say "Oh, gosh, I'm devastated and can't go on" then seem disappointed when you say "Oh alright, considering". Well, since I don't really know you I'm not going to go into too much and I'm not going to cry to every random person who hugs me and asks me such questions. While I am devastated, I have to move forward. Once again, I can't sit around, looking at the floor, listening to sappy music.

UPDATE: In regards to bottling up and not letting myself get emotional, that wasn't always the case. When I saw "Chloe's" open casket, I cried... hard... in front of people. This was good for me, I hate crying in front of people. There were a few weeks of just being randomly emotional in December. I mean there was a lot of other crap going on, I missed Seattle, I missed people who knew me.

I do still miss Chloe, but it's different. I recognize I didn't know her that long, she wasn't an integrated part of my life. She was great and I loved having her in the house and getting to know her. It saddens me that she didn't get to do more (well, hands-on work) and that she didn't get some experiences that I feel are important. I'm not a super sentimental person, but I love my friends. I don't say it often, I don't say enough, and I definitely don't say it to too many people. I love my family and don't see them enough. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I get weird.