I am going to be a bridesmaid for the 5th time this year- well, technically 4th and 5th time as I will be in 2. Isn't there some sort of saying about girls like me...
I think it's more of a blessing than a curse, because I think this happens for a reason. Not as in "all things happen for a reason", but as in there is an actual reason this happens. It's where people put their priorities (and I don't mean that in a haughty sense, please read on). The fact that I have had 5 friends ask me to stand with them for this important decision and life change is pretty incredible. I have good friendships and I have put them at a priority in my life (also keep in my mind: I am an only child). Maybe at a cost to other things in my life. Or, maybe in order to not deal with other things. Another thing, I take being a bridesmaid pretty seriously. I am a part of your union and will do my best to keep it that way and do what I can to keep the union. It's not a popularity contest, it's a matter of who is going to be there and support you.
I do want to say a few things about being 25 and single for most of my life. While I do believe "Being alone... there's a certain dignity to it", there are times when I don't want to be alone, but I still want my dignity. For too long, I've thought it was either you are so happy being single or you are desperate and pathetic. Well, I'm learning there is a middle ground and I'm getting there. I have friends in so many different places in life and really have just come to the conclusion that life can be difficult (single or attached), but life can be awesome and it really is what you make of it. Being free and independent can be great, sharing experiences with one person can be great; being alone and frustrated can be hard, dealing with one person for the rest of your life can be hard. The grass isn't any greener on the other side; really your own grass is just fine, but if you don't like it, work on your it and stop envying other grass (because they are probably thinking the same thing... or looking at other grass). Wow, that analogy went far, huh? I just don't want to be pitied or pressured.
Wanna know my least favorite question I get as a single girl? When I tell people my ideas and plans for my life, they respond with "Well, just wait till you meet a special guy." First of all, I never really know how to respond to that (especially because, compared to others, I really don't get that much grief about being single). Second, I just want to ask "Who is this guy that is going to come in and ruin everything?" I mean, don't you want someone with similar passions and ideas or at least supports yours, instead of resenting someone for "holding you back"? I realize things change and people change (I've changed "on my own"... just look at where I'm living, anything can happen), but I hope no one sets everything they truly care about aside to be with someone who doesn't support their own passions and ideas. And, I certainly hope no one thinks I'm that girl who will, just to not be alone. Ultimately, I never say any of this to the person, I probably just sort of half fake laugh.
Lastly, I am grateful for the my single life I've had. I've made some great friends, done some neat things, and taken advantage of being independent. My abilities to be on my own, make tough decisions and navigate the world by myself are things I wouldn't trade for much. Your life experiences make you who you are. Enjoy it.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
F@#k you, I'm a girl!
I gotta be honest, some things have been hard. A few weeks ago I was kind of an emotional wreck. While I've calmed down a bit, I'm taking a much needed "Mental Health Day" today.
It just feels like it's one thing after another and I'm getting a little tired of it. Real tired. There are many good things going on, but my mind gets cloudy with all the heavier things that I have a hard time remembering these blessings. This isn't good. Now I'm only thinking about that... hehe. I would just like a few months of stability (man, I'm getting old).
I've been thinking about my anger a bit in the last few weeks. My anger might be where this focus on the bad things comes from. The best response I've had to "No Doubt is my favorite band" is "Wow, you must a very angry person." I was surprised by that, but there is a bit of anger in their songs and, if you've ever had the pleasure of seeing them live (especially in the 90s) you'll see more of that. That's sort of how I am with anger too: quite angry, but not so obvious about it. I think one of my biggest downfalls is my expectations of other people and things. I hold people to this high standard that is unfair and I get disappointed (read: upset) when they fall short.
Another thing is that I don't really know how to express my anger, so I just bottle it up and then become bitter. I come from a yelling family, we just yell whatever when we're mad. However, I don't feel comfortable with yelling at people who are not in my family, so I don't really know how to constructively be mad at people. Usually, it is expressed as sadness- maybe disappointment- and I can just be mean to the people I care about. I also fear people being mad at me; I try not to bring it up their faults with them so that they won't bring up my faults to me. Yes, I'm aware that this is not healthy. Put on the list of things I need to deal with in my life.
Really, this all stems from my perfectionism... which, honestly, plagues my life. I need to let go.
And, I want to apologize if you've experienced my anger, bitterness, complaining, etc. I know it's annoying and I'm trying to figure it out.
It just feels like it's one thing after another and I'm getting a little tired of it. Real tired. There are many good things going on, but my mind gets cloudy with all the heavier things that I have a hard time remembering these blessings. This isn't good. Now I'm only thinking about that... hehe. I would just like a few months of stability (man, I'm getting old).
I've been thinking about my anger a bit in the last few weeks. My anger might be where this focus on the bad things comes from. The best response I've had to "No Doubt is my favorite band" is "Wow, you must a very angry person." I was surprised by that, but there is a bit of anger in their songs and, if you've ever had the pleasure of seeing them live (especially in the 90s) you'll see more of that. That's sort of how I am with anger too: quite angry, but not so obvious about it. I think one of my biggest downfalls is my expectations of other people and things. I hold people to this high standard that is unfair and I get disappointed (read: upset) when they fall short.
Another thing is that I don't really know how to express my anger, so I just bottle it up and then become bitter. I come from a yelling family, we just yell whatever when we're mad. However, I don't feel comfortable with yelling at people who are not in my family, so I don't really know how to constructively be mad at people. Usually, it is expressed as sadness- maybe disappointment- and I can just be mean to the people I care about. I also fear people being mad at me; I try not to bring it up their faults with them so that they won't bring up my faults to me. Yes, I'm aware that this is not healthy. Put on the list of things I need to deal with in my life.
Really, this all stems from my perfectionism... which, honestly, plagues my life. I need to let go.
And, I want to apologize if you've experienced my anger, bitterness, complaining, etc. I know it's annoying and I'm trying to figure it out.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I've come closer to reaching the top
1. I'm going to London for my dear friend Betsy's wedding in September! As in, I actually have tickets, it's a done deal.
2. While I love traveling, I hate the actual travel part. I'm always stressed out on the way to the plane, but once I'm in a new place, I love figuring out what is going on. In fact, here's a tip: only get a rough idea of where your hostel (or whatever) is and then you're forced to really look at the map and even ask for help! It's how I keep my sense of direction sharp and meet some good people.
3. I (semi) regret not changing my name to Mikki Mikaila Carline Holt when I went through all that official name drama.
4. I don't regret one penny of what I paid for my VIP No Doubt experience and was so happy to spend it with special people.
5. I still love punk music and miss going crazy at shows.
6. I have 2 good friends from high school who were scared of me when we first met.
7. I don't like watching award shows because I tear up (or, if I'm by myself, outright cry) at the speeches. Even from people I've never heard of- sometimes harder at those because if they aren't super well known I feel like this is a bigger deal for them! Needless to say, I won't be going to many Oscar parties in my lifetime.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this little piece of me. I'm not too sure who's out there reading this, but I'd like to give this award to 2 blogs and friends I enjoy:
Mari, The Unexpected Harvest
Lisa, Silent E
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