Another wonderful weekend, this time it involved not doing much at all!
The whole house was able to go out to a cabin about an hour and a half away in the mountains. It was really nice to really not be doing anything, to not run from place to place, and just hang out with my housemates. We made waffles, played games, read a lot, walked across the frozen Rio Grande, and had some good fellowship. Alice, our house coordinator, also came for a sort of halfway point regrouping. This was a good time to reflect on our expectations of the program, our jobs, and each other. I am very thankful for this time away.
Just discovered this unpublished post from right after Chloe's death, dated 10/26. It's been 3 months and it's interesting to look back on and see how things progress...
I don't really ask Why? through all this. I don't know why I don't, maybe I don't want to know. This doesn't mean I don't care, I do. This doesn't mean I don't question God, I do. However, I see God use people even after they are not physically present. This gives me peace that their life is not over, it's just much different.
Can I be selfish for a minute? I wonder what God's plan is for taking my closest friend out here from me. The person I hang out with most, talk to the most, enjoy the most, is now gone and not in a good way. But, I don't believe it's without purpose. Maybe He was saving her from pain in this world and taking her to a 'better place' and that her life will still affect those who knew her and continue the work she started.
It is interesting what people will focus on. Some will be angry- with the world, with God, with people who have not lost someone. Some will be guilty- it should have been me, I should have done X. Some will want answers- why do bad things happen to good people? why did this happen to Chloe and not a mean horrible person? Some will focus only on the positive and deny themselves sadness- she loved, she lived. This is where I fall and sometimes I think I'm not thinking about it enough or in the right way. I think I'm ok with the not so easy answers, I've been dealing with them for quite a while now. On the other hand, I get nervous about letting myself be sad and miss her too much, this where I deny myself and try not to be sad.
One thing I have been annoyed by, but I know they mean well, is when people around town ask "How are you?". They are definitely expecting you to say "Oh, gosh, I'm devastated and can't go on" then seem disappointed when you say "Oh alright, considering". Well, since I don't really know you I'm not going to go into too much and I'm not going to cry to every random person who hugs me and asks me such questions. While I am devastated, I have to move forward. Once again, I can't sit around, looking at the floor, listening to sappy music.
UPDATE: In regards to bottling up and not letting myself get emotional, that wasn't always the case. When I saw "Chloe's" open casket, I cried... hard... in front of people. This was good for me, I hate crying in front of people. There were a few weeks of just being randomly emotional in December. I mean there was a lot of other crap going on, I missed Seattle, I missed people who knew me.
I do still miss Chloe, but it's different. I recognize I didn't know her that long, she wasn't an integrated part of my life. She was great and I loved having her in the house and getting to know her. It saddens me that she didn't get to do more (well, hands-on work) and that she didn't get some experiences that I feel are important. I'm not a super sentimental person, but I love my friends. I don't say it often, I don't say enough, and I definitely don't say it to too many people. I love my family and don't see them enough. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I get weird.
This is why I love living out here. I get a little taste of country life and get to enjoy the beautiful outdoors. On Saturday night, my friends had a chicken they wanted to cook. Easy enough, right? Oh wait, she's still alive now. A bunch of us went over to their house to observe, and help out, a humane slaughter (oh, that's just such a harsh word) of this chicken. I had the chance to hold her legs. It was interesting, the whole thing, really. We then boiled it, plucked it, and gutted it. The next night a few people made a chicken stew for dinner. The chicken was not so tender, but the whole meal was delicious. Here's to country living!
So one reason I moved out here was to snowboard again. A bunch of us went up to Wolf Creek on Sunday and spent the day boarding. Oh man, it was glorious! Sun shining, beautiful mountains everywhere, and, the best part, NO LINES! Seriously, this was incredible. I was mainly with a few girls who I think are a little more experienced than me, but it made me a little more adventurous, which is a good thing. Afterward, we stopped at a little bar/restaurant on the way home and had some good local beer and I was loving life! And, I get to go on Wednesday as well. Oh man...
Sorry if the pictures gross you out.
Here are some photos from my time another day, but it's always pretty here!
So I gotta be honest... I'm really liking the Mennonites. Of course, no one's perfect and I'm not going to be "leaving" my roots, but they have got some things that I really identify with at this point in my life.
There are so many misconceptions about the Mennonites. First and foremost, they are not Amish. There are "old order", more conservative Mennonites, but they are actually the minority. One issue that I have with Mennonites is that they tend to "stick together", in their own groups (often separate, which can breed a fear of the 'outside'), which causes all of them to know each other, if they're not already related (obviously an exaggeration, but not too much really).
Some history... It's interesting that as much as I loooove the reformation, I have never really heard the history of Mennonites, or Anabaptists; which I find interesting that not much is told about them. They came about during the reformation, people desiring to be smaller communities of believers. They wanted to be able to baptize each other, but at a time of confession of faith. This group became known as the Rebaptizers, or Anabaptists. Anabaptistism is a Christian tradition, which really can be applied to any "denomination". Menno Simmons was a Dutch Anabaptist preacher who started a following and ended up being in exile through Europe. His followers would come to be known as Mennonites (like Lutherans... right?). So, from what I gather, Mennonites are basically a church in the Anabaptist tradition.
Some things I like about Anabaptists:
- They look to the LIFE of Jesus more than I have seen before. This is not to say that I've never seen that emphasis, but I feel like His life is more central to their philosophy. It is not so much as a side to doctrine and theology, but the basis for their doctrine and theology. I'm not saying that this is always the best thing, but it has been interesting to see just how much I have not focused on His LIFE, words and actions.
- Service is a big part of the Anabaptist tradition. They believe so much that faith is played out, not just in WHAT you believe but HOW you believe. If you really believe that God calls us to live and love like Jesus, what are you doing about it? I've never seen service so emphasized and encouraged.
- Living simply is a part of their life. Community is a big part of that. The more we share, the less we use. I highly recommend the cookbooks "More with Less" and "Simply in Season". I want to read "Living More with Less". Everything matters.
- Justice issues are high on their list of priorities. As this was a big part of Jesus' life, speaking out for those who have no voice is something we called to do. This is often in an upside down way than the rest of the world might see it, but so was Jesus. They are pacifists, refusing to fight, but strive for active peacemaking. This is something I can align with, although I'm not totally anti- any war. I'd rather be anti-war, than pro-war.
- They like hymns. I love hymns. I'm not a fan of praise chorusses. Generally, we'll sing together with just voices (if we were truly Mennonite, we would be singing in 4 part harmonies, but here we are) and sometimes with a piano. It's nice to not have some "great musicians" playing "for the church", and to just hear us singing together.
- They don't love government, or rather don't put it first. From the reformation, there came a separation of church and state. Of course this means that the state wouldn't be involved in the church, there wouldn't be a state sponsored church. This doesn't mean they don't love their country, but they are Christians first. That's why you'll never see a government flag at a Mennonite church!
Ultimately, they are not much different from other Christian groups. They are not a cult, by any means, as they are big into everyone making the choice of belief for themselves. There are more liberal and more conservative Mennonites, just like within most groups.
It's just been good to get outside of my own box of church and experience a different tradition that also loves Jesus, service, and some liturgy. I still appreciate what is normal for me and there are things I miss about my past churches, but it's good to get out of my "this is what church and faith is SUPPOSED to look like" mindset.
And, here's a video of "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow" from the Mennonite Conference:
I thought I'd share what my "normal life" is looking these days, so we can all be on the same page (and so this isn't just a place where I share my "deep" thoughts, oh goodness).
I work Monday through Thursday from 7:30 to 4:30 and now have a 35 minute commute! Oh, it makes life so much more simple. Most evenings, I have stuff going. On Mondays, we are starting to have family dinners again. Tuesday, or every other Tuesday, is knit night. Generally, I try to have Wednesday as my night "off". Thursday is church at our house, which has been so good for me to learn to be more open to hosting without so much of the responsibility of this-is-my-party sort of feel. Now, Fridays are my favorite day of the week. I'm the only one who has them off in the house. This is my time to myself that I cherish, I don't know what I would do without them. A few of my friends and I have started having brunch on Saturday mornings. This is so good for me as I have missed this from my "past life". The best part? I get a coffee, an egg, and a pancake for a grand total of $3 at my coffee shop! Things aren't super scheduled around here for the weekends, so it's sort of see-what-happens. Things that could happen: a hike, dinner with random people, helping out with an event, game night, brew pub, work around the house, some fun little local festival, and possibly an excursion to one of the small cute towns around the valley.
The weather has been weird here. On Tuesday morning it was -23 when I left the house, but I was able to go for a run outside in a tank top yesterday! It gets really cold at night, but it's pretty much sunny everyday so it warms up during the day. It snows every so often, but we should have had more snow by now according to locals. The local ski place gets the most snow in all of Colorado- can't wait to check it out!
So, I've had my little Seattle Christmas vacation (and didn't a take a single picture, I'm an idiot) and I'm back in the swing of things. It's funny how this is normal life now. I feel as though I'm getting into the thick of it now. The honeymoon phase is over. My ideals and perceptions are being challenged as reality sets in. Why, again, am I here? What am I really doing here? It's weird when "social justice work" just becomes.... well, work.
I need to be reminded of my purpose here. I need something to keep me interested. I need to set priorities. I want to keep learning. I want to take more photos. I want to get to know people.
The good news is that I'm glad to be back. Even though I wanted to stay longer in Seattle and wish the valley was 4 hours away from Seattle, not Denver. The good news is that things are happening here. Even though some of them are hard and not fun, I will learn; and others are great and exciting!
I'm realizing I take things for granted. And, that I used to take things for granted that are not a part of my life now. To remind myself, to take something for granted means that I act as though it'll always be available to me and I'm not grateful that it is there at all.
I'll be honest, I hate not making money. It's not just that I don't make "much" money, it's that I don't make any whatsoever. Whatever I have in bank right now is what I will have for the next year and a half, it's not getting replenished any time soon. However, I do take that little money I have in the bank for granted. It is a luxury to be able to be a volunteer, a fact I always find interesting.
I would say that I take my friends and family for granted, for this I'm sorry. Have you ever been around people that don't really reference "my friend"? I have and I'm noticing it more. I don't know where I would be without these great people in my life who really know me. We are called to love the friendless, which is hard because there is usually a "reason" they are friendless.
I take my church experience for granted. It hasn't always been the best experience, but I'm thankful it hasn't been the worst. This home church with half Mennonites, half everything else, is really challenging my ideas on what church is. Things that I think make up a church service aren't what others need. This is making me think about what really is important to church and what I want to see. We have all been shaped by our past experiences and have to allow for new experiences to continue to shape us.
All this to say, I'm looking forward to the new year of my now normal life here in the valley. I just pray I take advantage of it and don't miss opportunities.
So, this is an after new years post (I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I think of 2010. It was a crazy ride. It began with my parents pushing me into the security line at the LaGuardia airport to board a plane to Buenos Aires, Argentina. The 3 month trip through South America was a bumpy one at times, but filled with learning a new language, amazing scenery, crazy people and some fun nights! This is where I started making revelations about my life- what was important, what I thought I would be doing at this point, and how I wanted to look back on my life. I felt a pull to do "more" with my time and resources.
Upon arrival back in the states, I spent a few good months on the Oregon Coast. I seriously loved it there. The people, the small town, the ocean, the farms.... just wonderful! Man, it was great to back in the Pacific Northwest. I started my journey through trying to discern God's plan for my life. This was one of the weirdest times of my life- unemployed and homeless at 25! I saw His faithfulness through my friends and family during this time. It was a period of waiting, doubting, listening, freaking out, being excited about possibilities... it was a long few months! As the period of waiting felt like an eternity, I left Seattle in a whirlwind.
My involvement with the Mennonite Voluntary Service began in August and I'm thankful for this opportunity. There have been good times and trying times. My job is challenging and exciting. I've been learning new things in life and nursing. Living in community is not my thing, but I'm trying to think more about the purpose of it. Starting a home church has made me think more about what church means. Through death, I learn to celebrate life- my own and those around me and those who have passed by. I'm learning to share my life, it's not my own.
It's just funny to think about the girl who got on that plane a year ago to travel for fun would be living in the middle of nowhere and volunteering!
Highlights from South America (Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, and Peru) Jan-Mar:
Highlights from my time back in the PNW Apr-Jul:
Highlights from my time in the valley so far Aug-Dec:
Here's hoping that 2011 is just as exciting, but not so crazy!
